


a form of life

by ywhiterain



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Character Study, F/M, M/M, Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 07:37:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4616865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ywhiterain/pseuds/ywhiterain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stefan writes a paper in 1983, and it's the most honest story he's told about himself. Until Elena.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a form of life

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://softly-me.livejournal.com/profile)[softly_me](http://softly-me.livejournal.com/)'s prompt: stefan, _So, go ahead, imagine a form of life. Imagine your life. Think about what you say and ask yourself if you want to be the kind of person who says those kinds of things. Change your language and you change your thoughts. Change your thoughts and you change yourself. Imagine your possible selves and decide which ones you want to inhabit._
> 
> In addition this is a repost. I accidentally deleted the previous one.

In 1983, Stefan was at a community college in California (It's gone now, Damon burned it to the ground, and when it was rebuilt the name was changed to honor the main benefactor who paid to rebuild it. Stefan doesn't remember its original name, never learned its new name.) and his major was Child Psychology. A line stuck out to him in his reading. He grabbed his latest journal and carefully wrote it down:

_Children who are abused often learn to not to trust their instincts._

Learned helplessness was what it was called. Stefan wrote a ten page essay on it and got an A.

While Stefan was preparing to leave California, Damon dropped into his apartment and lounged on the bed. As Stefan gathered the important memories to take home with him, Damon, bored while waiting for Stefan to finish, read the essay.

Stefan prepared himself for the inevitable mocking. He'd laughed, a little, at himself, while writing it. Damon wouldn't have to work hard to find the right words to hurt his brother. What he should have prepared for, however, was Damon taking hold of his shoulders and steering him across the room to sit down at his desk.

And Damon keeping his eyes glued to his little brother as he finished packing up for Stefan.

It was neither the first nor the last time that Damon's actions surprised Stefan. No matter how much work Stefan put into building up his defenses against his brother, Damon always seemed to find cracks in his armor.

*

In 1926, Stefan woke up from a binge in fog, unsure of where he was, what he'd done. It wasn't the first time that had happened. But, it was the first time that _all_ of his memories were completely out of his grasp. A year of his life was missing.

He walked the streets of Chicago like he was a ghost, only manifesting to bump into people and apologize. He clenched the necklace he'd found with both hands and wished he was drunk like the humans around him believed him to be. And he thought of Katherine.

Damon came to his rescue. He took hold of Stefan and dragged him to the apartment. He tossed Stefan on the ground, kept him pinned there with stakes to his limbs and chest. The pain, it was good, Lexi taught him that. It helped him focus on Damon, who was kneeling beside him.

"You can never make this easy on me, can you?"

Stefan was sure he was supposed to feel guilt at that. He opened his mouth to apologize, but the only thing that came out were pained gasps.

"Don't worry, brother," Damon said and he sounded like loved Stefan, "I'll get Lexi for you."

Stefan watched his retreating back and then passed out from the pain.

*

In 1956, after thirty years under her care, Lexi decided he was ready. For a moment, terror overtook him. He was not hers and he was thinking that he'd tear apart a town in southern Oklahoma. But then she grabbed his arm and pressed a kiss on his forehead. "See you in a few months."

Stefan rose an eyebrow, pushed away the blood lust.

She grinned. It was her best feature. "It's your birthday." She pressed her index finger on his chest, "And you owe me."

"On _my_ birthday?" Stefan asked.

"On all your birthdays," Lexi said, "for all of eternity."

Stefan laughed in the way she liked.

(In 2005, Lexi sent him cell phone with her number in the contact list. Attached was a note. _Get with the times, old man._

In 2009, Bonnie dragged him to the mall and they spent an hour searching for just the right phone. When he asked why she was doing this, she told him, heart on her sleeve and grin on her face, "You can't date Elena with a phone made in the dark ages."

And this was the life he wanted.)

*

In 1960, Stefan graduated high school for the first time. Damon was in the audience and their eyes met when Stefan took his diploma.

("You eat rabbits?" Damon said, vampire features melting to human ones as he laughed, "you refused to eat meat for a month after Father took you hunting for the first time."

Stefan shrugged, "Things change."

"Not everything," Damon said and pulled him into the same hug they'd shared a million times as humans.

Stefan remembered Damon saving him in the '20s and wondered if they were finally brothers again. Damon slept on his couch and Stefan planned to show him his favorite places in the nearby forest before he, too, fell asleep.

The next morning, Damon was gone.)

In 1973, Stefan was studying political science at Berkeley and was dating a woman, Elizabeth Green, who dragged him to protest after protest. She was the first one to call what Katherine did to him rape. "Rape is not love," she told him and, for the first time, he was able to think of Katherine and not hate himself completely.

"It's not love," she told him again and again and he cupped her face and told her she was right. She needed to be right and he wanted to make sure she was. He never found out what happened to her, why she cried when he told her a modified version of his story with Katherine. Damon killed her before he got the chance to earn her trust.

That had been the first time he'd felt genuine hate to his brother.

(It was how Damon knew to use Elena against him thirty six years later.)

In 1978, Stefan went to culinary school. In 1985, Stefan studied the middle ages at Harvard. In 1992, he was in London, writing essays about English and French literature. Over and over again, Stefan would find a new place to settle and go to school, trying to find an identity he could keep. Over and over again, Damon would show up and find some way to hurt Stefan.

An eternity of misery and all, baby brother, Damon would remind him, over and over.

*

In 2009, there was Elena.

"A nicer Katherine," Damon said and Stefan vowed that if Damon hurt her to hurt him, he would kill his brother.

("It's okay that you can't," Elena told him, pulling him down in a hug. He buried his face in her shoulder. "He's the only family you have.")

"You should do something for my sister," Jeremy said instead of 'hello' when Stefan answered the phone. "She really likes you." He did not say he wanted Elena to be happy, but Stefan knew that's why he called. So he bought some stuff for chicken Parmesan and decided to tell her about parts of himself that have carried over throughout the years he's lived.

("I have downloaded every Miley song," Elena said, grabbing Stefan's hands and walking backwards, pulling him into her room.

"I told you I'd never say which one I liked," Stefan said.

"I know," she said, pressed in him on her bed, "so we're going to listen to them all and I'm going to watch your face. And when you smile, I'll know which one you like."

Stefan smiled through all the songs and she hit him with her pillow between kissing him.)

"I like you," Jenna said, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, as Stefan chopped some onions, "and not just because you're cooking for us." And, despite her insecurities that she wasn't doing a good job as a parent, Stefan knew she had the important parts down. She loved Elena and wanted her to be happy.

("I think we should keep him," Jeremy said, getting seconds of the lasagna Stefan had made, "take-out gets old pretty fast."

"You should be nice." Jenna threw a napkin at his head. "Who do you think pays for all the pizza you order?"

"I'm just calling it how I see it," Jeremy said.

"There's going to be a food fight," Elena said, "want to leave before you get caught in the crossfire?"

"No," he said, grinning and leaning back, "I want to see where all the carefully prepared food I made ends up."

An hour later, Elena pulled Stefan into the shower with her.)

"She's the Bella to your Edward," Caroline said, grabbing a fry off his plate and popping it into her mouth. "Of course," Caroline told him, rolling her eyes, when he gave her one of his best disapproving looks, "Twilight is just trashy fun, but the sentiment is the point."

("I watched this with my mom a million times," Elena said, popping _Cinderella_ into the DVD player, "and I always wondered how they fell in love after just one dance."

"Then why watch it?" Stefan said as she curled into his arms.

"Because she loved it," Elena said, kissing his nose.)

"This isn't going to end well," Bonnie said, under her breath, so that Jeremy couldn't hear her. She wasn't talking about the locater spell, about finding Elena, about getting through this current supernatural mess. Bonnie was not, precisely, Stefan's friend, but when she touched him, sometimes he thought she was the only one who truly got him.

(He thought, as he held Elena while the opening notes of _Gone with the Wind_ sounded, that he should probably kiss her. He knew he wasn't going to make it through Klaus intact. But that kiss would mean good-bye and he wasn't quite ready to face that yet.)

*

In 2009, Damon killed Lexi.

Along with grief, rage and Elena's voice telling him not to kill his brother was something else. A question. Lexi had always been off limits. Damon never threatened to hurt her, not really. Lexi was his lifeline and no one knew that as much as Damon.

Damon came into his room that night and Stefan pretended to sleep as the bed dipped. Damon brushed his thumb across Stefan's forehead. The gesture was meant to soothe, and it did; Stefan fell asleep to his brother's comfort.

Stefan dreamed about Damon killing the people he'd loved over the years and when he woke up to his brother's voice, with a start, he realized that Damon always made sure that Stefan saw their deaths. Damon may not love Stefan, but that didn't change the fact of their existence. In one way or another, Stefan has always belonged to his brother.

Lexi's death meant was Damon staking his claim on a new level. Lexi's death meant it would be unlikely that Stefan would get a reprieve from his brother anytime soon. Lexi's death meant Elena's might be next.

(Sometimes neither of them knew where one began and the other ended, so of course Damon would fall in love with Elena. Stefan was glad Damon was opening himself up to love again, was more than willing to use Damon's strength to protect the woman he loved, was relieved that Damon and Elena had each other while he was bound to Klaus.

But he'd still punched his brother when he found out Damon had kissed her.

He wanted to want her to move on. He never wanted to see her again. He didn't want to lose his brother.)

*

In 2010, Stefan left Mystic Falls with Klaus.

One week later, Klaus had Stefan's back to the dirt in a forest. Every nerve in Stefan's body was screaming at him to run. But there was a glint in Klaus eyes that made Stefan seventeen and frozen again.

"This wasn't in our deal," Stefan said, digging his nails into the dirt.

"I beg to differ," Klaus said and he was so close their lips were brushing as he spoke. "Your part of the deal was to obey me."

"Please," Stefan said, swallowed, "please don't."

Klaus curled his lips, narrowed his eyes. "You are going to strip." He kissed Stefan like he'd done it before. Stefan kept still. He knew that he should move, but he his body was as still as Katherine made him a hundred and fifty years ago. Officially, it was still defiance, and Klaus broke his wrist for it. Klaus shoved his arm in Stefan's mouth to muffle the scream. "That's the only warning I will give you before I make you."

"Damon," Stefan said, wishing he'd bitten into Klaus when he had the chance. Then, he could think of nothing other than his brother's heart being ripped out.

"Has no place here." Klaus pressed his knee between Stefan's legs and any hope that Stefan might have had that he could get out of this died. Stefan couldn't push away the awareness of Klaus on top of him, of his hands wondering, his stubble nuzzling Stefan's neck. "It's just the two of us."

Klaus didn't want Stefan because he was a ripper. There was another reason, and in the back of his mind, the truth gnawed at him.

Then, the metaphor of their deal became literal.

(Klaus was a legend and he savored it, wore it on his skin as anything other than armor.

It made him easy to read, which suited Stefan just fine. The way Klaus curled his hands around Rebekah's wrist made his eyes darken and fangs drop. He wanted Klaus, wanted an easier version of his brother, and it took next to no effort to get Klaus to want him.

"Do you think this sin will send you to hell?" Klaus asked, pressing kisses down Stefan's side.

"I don't think _this_ is what would impress the devil," Stefan said. "I've killed a lot of innocent people, you see."

"No need for us to dwell on it." Klaus laughed and bit into the inside of Stefan's thigh. "I don't plan on letting you go to hell."

"Do I sense some jealousy?" Stefan asked, gasped when Klaus grabbed his hips and pushed inside.

"Until my sister grows bored with you," Klaus said.

Stefan smiled, glad he wasn't alone.)

"That wasn't so bad, now was it?" Klaus asked as Stefan put his clothes back on in lieu of running away. He pressed Stefan back down on his back with his foot and leaned down. Stefan had just recently learned that Klaus didn't like for Stefan to turn away, so he forced his head still, forced his eyes to stay open. Klaus slid his foot down his stomach, settled it between Stefan's legs. "I rather think you enjoyed it."

"Physically, I've had worse," Stefan said.

That night, he found an apartment complex and killed every living thing in it. He knew how to be careful, knew exactly how to drink from someone without losing a drop of blood. But he didn't bother. He drank so hard from each and every human being that he ended up tearing them apart. He put them back together, pressed down their hair, straightened their clothes. Then he tore all the plants away from the soil that gave them life.

He killed all their pets but didn't drink from them. He wasn't like **that** anymore.

When it was done, a calm set into him and he turned to Klaus, who was looking at him as if he was seeing salvation. Stefan was covered in blood, dirt and animal fur. So he kissed Klaus. Klaus, in turn, fucked him.

Stefan spent the next two months only killing, torturing, and fucking when ordered. Stefan spent the next two months without hunger.

*

In 2010, Stefan told Elena he never wanted to see her again.

He fed on her friends, fed on her.

Klaus forced (allowed) him to turn off his humanity. Stefan told her the things he carefully never thought of and relished in hurting her. Lexi's ghost tried to fix him and he looked into Elena's eyes and showed her the future she would have if she didn't give up on him.

He didn't care about Jeremy's life, he used Bonnie without remorse, and he did not warn Caroline off of Klaus.

He thought about the person Elena loved, rejected it, and shoved his blood into her mouth and nearly drove her off the bridge her parents died on, the bridge he saved her on. Then he turned away from her tears and thought about revenge.

He told her he did not care, showed her he did not care, and she kept telling him to fight.

(In 2010, Katherine helped him save Damon and pushed Stefan to feel. He closed his eyes and admitted to himself that Katherine had been right all along. Katherine had loved him, he had loved her.

And, because of everything, they still did.)

*

In 2010, Klaus pushed him into a fireplace but did not kill him and Stefan could no longer hold on to his revenge.

Stefan wanted to go out killing his latest monster. But Klaus wanted the person he'd loved eight-five years back too much to let that happen.

(Love was a vampire's greatest weakness.)

*

In 2010, Damon finally, completely, took what was his.

Stefan thought about the paper he wrote twenty-seven years ago as he searched the family archives. The paper he had planned to write was about how learned helplessness helps foster inclinations to codependent relationships. The same fear that stopped him from even outlining that paper had him forgiving his brother.

(Stefan _knew_ he should be hoping that Elena would dump them both so that the two of them could live their perpetual mess of a life without hurting her. And if he couldn't do that, he should hope that Elena chose Damon and wait a mere sixty years before getting what he'd wanted all his life: Damon, forever.

But what he was hoping for was her.)

 

*

Elena had been the person he had loved best. Around Elena, Stefan was _finally_ a person he liked. And nothing ever felt like pretend when he was with her. After a hundred and sixty four years of struggling, Stefan was able to make himself into the person he wanted to be.

He was hers and he had prepared himself for when that inevitably changed because Elena had never wanted forever.

He never thought he'd be the one to leave her; never loved her with the intention of truly getting eternity with her.

*

It was 2011 and Elena was a vampire.

"I'm yours," Elena told him and kissed him, hesitant and hopeful, like it was their first time.

Stefan never had anyone before. That was never in the story he'd written for himself, a thousand times over, a thousand different ways. It had never occurred to him that having someone was as important as belonging to someone.

Maybe he understood that now, maybe he had another chance to become what he wanted, maybe forever would be just enough time to fix him

"I'm yours," Stefan said, hesitant and hopeful, and kissed her.

And she closed the space between them.


End file.
